Smooth Transitions

"Dear Electromagnetic Sword,
I just recently started getting serious with a guy I've known for a long time. We really like eachother and spend a lot of time together. However, we have not had sex yet. We both want to, don't get me wrong, but to be honest, he is very....well endowed. I do not use that term lightly. I keep putting it off, but I know eventually, we are going to have sex. When this time comes, what do you suggest I do to prepare myself for the "big" event?

Sincerely,
your biggest fan"

I love when my friends send in questions, and sign them so nicely. (No worries, I also love when I get the anonymous ones too!)

Now let's discuss what to do about your BIGGEST fan. (Which I'm apparently doing as crudely as possible.) In this situation it's going to take a bit for you both to get the hang of sex with one another, so don't be put off if the first time or two is awkward. You have to figure out each other's bodies.

There are definitely products out there that will help expediate the process. Lubricants and response creams are probably your best bets. I don't suggest just grabbing some shitty KY off the grocery store shelf though. Cheap lube it the worst. I'd recommend Emerita products. They're all natural, and the company is woman-owned and operated. Also, the packaging for their warming lubricant, OH!, is fucking hot. You can probably find them at your local health food/vitamin shop.

Hope that helps!

And they say girls are crazy...

The last entry reminded me that I meant to post about the mass-texter.

I once casually dated a boy for two weeks, and he was a total headcase.

We had two normal hangouts, then on the third he busts out this poem he's written about me. I immediately refuse to read said poem, and it seemed like it was no big deal. A couple of days later, we're fighting about I don't even know what, he freaks the fuck out, starts crying and makes me read the poem. Then the next week -while arguing yet again- he randomly tells me he doesn't want to hang out for a week, but has fallen in love with me and is "two weeks away from saying 'I love you.'"

...

At this point I had to break it off. I can deal with crazy, but I'm not going anywhere near "I love you." sayers.

One thing I love & One thing I hate

Love:
Meeting boys who look like the guys you liked in high school, but were too nervous/awkward/shy to ever actually talk to, and having them obviously be into you.

Hate:
Still being on your pseudo-ex's mass text list for all his crappy concerts. I'd rather he delete my number than ever see one of those again.

Images no. 6

By Grace Berler

Dumb people are the worst.

You know that magical moment when you're chatting up some guy or girl, and they insist you trade numbers? You know how stoked you get when they start texting you as soon as you leave to find out what you're doing after? You know when they say "then" when it should have been "than", revealing that they are a total retard? You know how that makes you not want to have sex with them, and slightly uncomfortable with the idea that you ever did want to in the first place?

With Hate from New York

Once upon a time, I was dating this aging hipster. He had lived in New York for a time, like every other aging hipster has. Apparently, while we were dating, some chick from New York was still crazy about him (emphasis on crazy). After she found out we were together, she sent him all these texts about how she just wanted a boy to read Alistair Crowley with, etc, etc. When he didn't respond to those, she sent him mean texts about me. I guess she lurked me up or something, because I don't know the bitch. At some point she snapped due to him blocking her on aim.
That is when this happened:

her fucking boyfriend's sn: hello?
aging hipster: hi ?
her fucking boyfriend's sn: it's -----.
her fucking boyfriend's sn: i'm on [her boyfriend's] sn. you blocked me
her fucking boyfriend's sn: don't ever even try talking to me again.
her fucking boyfriend's sn: you're a completely fucking pathetic human being and i truly wish horrible things upon you. truly.
her fucking boyfriend's sn: have you nothing to say for yourself?
her fucking boyfriend's sn: whatevz. i'm going to myspace her. i'm going to hurt you. she won't want you after i'm done.
her fucking boyfriend's sn: i hope you get run over by a truck. goodbye.

I just found the file he sent me with that in it, and thought it was too funny to not share.

So, this nutjob did myspace me. She said all this crazy shit about him, proceeded to tell me off for whatever reason, then blocked me so I couldn't respond. Some bitches are nutssssss!

Also, all the aim and myspace in this story makes me not want to touch my computer for a while.