leftovers (noun)

Pronunciation: \left-oh-ver-z\

(My friend and former roommate first explained this term to me over glasses of Tito's vodka and those really good breadsticks that The Tomato made pre-burning down. I'm going to try and define it the exact way she said it, because it cracked me up.)

"You know those lame girls who stay super late at parties, after the cute girls have gone off to better places or to go have sex? Those are leftovers."

Synonyms: bottom-o-the bucketeers

Slutting Up the High Seas

This weekend, a girl came up to me and told me to be careful around a good friend of mine. She didn't really elaborate much on it when I asked why, but seemed to insinuate that he had done something offensive to her.

The friend in question has been completely solid in the four years I've known him. I can't really say the same for the girl.

When she was done telling me to watch out, she invited me to spend a couple of days on some guy's boat. She said he wanted her to bring cute girls.

Her inviting me on some skank cruise is a thousand times creepier than anything my supposedly sinister friend has ever said to me.

Cry Boybies

I have made every person I have ever dated cry. I don't know if this is because of who I date or who I am. Most of the time I have one of two very distinct and different reactions: I'm either completely disgusted with the person or feel a heavy wash of shame for causing them pain.

There is only one instance I can think of where I didn't have either of these reactions.

One evening, I was having an argument with my boyfriend at the time that was so asinine that I'm not going into details here. We ended up glaring at each other in a very middle school-esque manner. I was about to break my glare and say, "What are we even fighting about?" when I noticed it. I don't even know if I can describe it properly, but there was a sudden panic behind his eyes and slight wobbling of his lower lip. I knew what was coming, and instead of preventing it, I sort of sneared at him to hasten it. Then he broke down and choked out, "Please don't break up with me!"

I don't know why, but at that moment all I felt was deep and utter satisfaction.

Sometimes the things I do make me question whether or not I'm a good person, and then whether or not I care either way.

Awkward Central

On Thursday night I lost my phone. Super lame, but not what this entry's about. So, I was talking to the door guy at Shangri-La to find out if anyone had turned in a phone. The conversation meandered off, and I ended up pointing out that one of the guys there was my favorite bartender. Then to door guy gets all weird and goes, "His girlfriend thinks he's a pretty good bartender too."

Way to make things awkward.

That guy's my favorite bartender because he pours my drinks super heavy, and always remembers to put a cherry in. Chill out!

Blind Item

Which Austin bike enthusiast was spotted making out with his supposed bff recently? Word on the street is that they're an item. This might come as a surprise to the ex he's been fucking on the regular since their break up. Can you say shiesty?

In Addendum

[to this]

You know when you stop feeling blue after a week, and are totally glad you cut things off?

A Lesson On Being Smooth

Friday night was a total grossdudeswhowanttohavelongconversationsandcan'ttakeahint fest. It was kind of fucking up my night. In the midst of all of this, some average guy walks up, says, "You are the two most beautiful girls in here." and walks off. In nine words he managed to go from "kind of cute, but too fratty for my taste guy" to "mysterious man who says charming things then disappears into the night guy".

Let that be a lesson to all of you!

Rules to Dating my Best Friend If You and I Have Already Dated by Bethany Burke

I know a great deal of us have been in this situation. We date someone and it ends, either badly or on good terms. Either way, we forget about them for a little bit and move on to someone else. Later, we find out that said person is interested in someone new. "Who could this person be?" we wonder. Come to find out, it's your very best friend. I am very protective about my best friend, and most of the guys I have ever dated, I don't want them anywhere near her. But, if you are going to try and date my best friend, handle it the right way.

Guys, give it some time after we've dated before starting to even think about talking to my best friend. After a surmountable amount of time has passed, come and approach me. Say something like, "Hey, I know we dated awhile ago, and it ended good/bad, but I am very interested in (insert name here). I really like her; she seems cool. Would it be alright if I asked her out sometime?" Now, this may work. I may be alright with it. Sometimes though, I might say no. What if I dated you, and you cheated on me? Or you were terrible and mean or clingy and annoying? Why would I want to bestow that onto my best friend? But for the most part, I will be nice because you asked politely, and I will most likely give the go ahead to approach her.

That being said, last night was a clear violation of the above rule. A guy I used to have a thing with turned out to be a liar and a cheater and some kind of awful. Shortly afterwards, said person had the audacity last night to stop and stare at my friend creepily and smile at her, in a sad attempt to get in her pants. This all happened right in front of me, I might add.

If you're going to move on after someone, it's best not to date the best friend. If you plan on doing that anyway, don't disgustingly try to talk to them and dance up against them in a dark crowded bar while the friend you screwed over stands by and watches the sad sight. Although, I will say, we both got a good, long laugh out of it.

They should have jumped off the overpass.

Today, I was driving over to a friend's place, when I saw a pro-life rally on an overpass. Suddenly, I found myself boiling with rage. I hate stupid conservative bullshit. It's not a fucking life. It's a cluster of non-sentient cells, that may or may not be wanted by the person it's growing in. If it isn't wanted, said person is more than entitled to get it the fuck out.

It's absolutely nobody's business what a woman decides to do with her body, besides her own.

Maybe, if these conservative pieces of shit weren't also promoting abstinence-only sex education, this wouldn't be such a huge problem across the nation. If they would tell their kids to wrap their dicks up and pop a pill a day, the need for abortions would decrease significantly.

I'm just so massively annoyed right now.

Educate yourself.

Three-way Etiquette

"Dear Electromagnetic Sword,

I want to have a three-way! Do you have any tips for setting this up? My boyfriend would probably be into it, and for his sake let's say the first one should be me, him, and another girl (I've got more same-sex experience than he does, but he'll have to return the favor someday). Should we just get real drunk with one of our many hot female friends and act creepy? Also, what should he do to minimize any jealous inclinations I would have?

Come to think of it, should I just wait until I'm single again and do this with a good girl friend and some guy that I don't really care about?

Love,
An adoring fan"

haha Thanks for the adoration!

Now, to answer your questions:

Setting up a three way with a friend you care about and trust is probably the best way to go, although getting drunk and creepy around them is less than advisable. Knowing that your third understands your boundaries and respects your relationship will help with jealousy issues. Talking out what is and isn't kosher beforehand will also help. If you are having serious qualms already, you may want to wait until you feel more secure in your relationship as-is before bringing anyone else in, even if it is just for a night.

The good friend and random dude thing may be a decent idea if you're planning on being single soon. I suggest the random dude at least be an acquaintance. A lot of guys can be total creeps, and that will lessen the chance of happening upon one.

Hope that helps!

Dear ex boyfriends,

The content of this blog is pretty laid out in the description. If you are going to get huffy every time you read it, maybe you should... y'know... not read it? If you insist on doing so, however ill-advised that is, please don't whine to me about it later.

Best,
Ashton

Images no. 5

Lessons In Rash Decisions

You know the point after ending things with someone when you're not sure if you regret it or not? You know how it doesn't matter anyway because it can never go back to the way it was?You know how that makes it a non-issue to everyone else, except for you because your dumb ass is still lingering? You know how much that sucks?

Well, duh.

Just a quick tip: If some creepy old dude wants to buy you a drink containing your favorite high-end bourbon, you might want to wait until you get the drink to wander off and talk to your guy friend.

Chaos On Red River

For those of you who don't know, Chaos in Tejas is an annual punk festival in Austin. It always brings in a bunch of goofy crust punk kids who are fun as all get out to party with.

Bits and I were walking to meet up with friends around ten thirty on the Friday of Chaos in Tejas, and we see this super drunk guy pissing on a car a few yards up. He turned to us and went, "Sorry, ladies! Didn't realize you were there!" Just as I was about to say, "Don't worry about it." the guy starts breathing all heavy and says, "Oh, you girls are looking fine toooonight. I just, I just wanna do stuff to you." At this point, I decide not to say a thing to him, and we scurried away.

As fun as drunk crusties are, they can also get kind of gross.

25 Things About My Sexuality

I think 25 Things About My Sexuality is my new favorite blog. People anonymously submit 25 facts having to do with their sexuality, and the author posts the lists There's something so strangely perverse about reading such blunt confessions. Secret voyeuristic tendencies? Who knows? The number of entries having to do with people unnerved by their rape fantasies is quite amusing as well. At any rate, it's well worth reading, and you should all check it out!